


Try Not to Think About it

by ShadowSnowdapple



Category: RWBY
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Oscar can't stop thinking about the curse, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-01-29 00:10:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21400945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowSnowdapple/pseuds/ShadowSnowdapple
Summary: In which Oscar contemplates at what point he is no longer himself.
Relationships: Ozpin & Oscar Pine
Comments: 4
Kudos: 133





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry- not sorry
> 
> Mentions and idealization of Suicide is brief and not dragged on about but it is there so be safe
> 
> This first chapter here is only referencing v6, so non-first members, don't stress.

Oscar tried really hard not to think about it.

After that first couple of weeks of Oz explaining what was happening to the two (-is it even two, how many people is he?) of them. That Oz’s soul was intertwined with his own. That their memories would combine. That Oscar's thoughts were no longer just his own. 

At first, he would always be pulled out of the more concerning spirals of thoughts by his new… companion. Telling him that it wasn’t that bad. He’s overthinking it. That Oscar was only going to make himself sick by worrying like this.

Try not to think about it.

Oscar wasn’t really sure if that was one of his own thoughts or Ozpin’s.

The fear began to creep back when Oscar saw Jinn’s story. That Ozma’s first incarnation just- disappeared. Sure- some of it was quelled by the fact that Oscar saw some of them having their own lives but- where he was now, could he even have his own life at this point? He was fourteen and dragged on this… doomed war. Salem couldn’t die, Oscar realized that he was just sentenced to be part of the cycle. To live a life slowly taken over by another and then left to live forever without rest in the boundless cacophony of Oz’s soul. To never live his own life but also to never die.

When Oz disappeared it was strange. After so long of sharing a headspace it was so- quiet. Along with the stark reality that the others had begun to pull away from him because he “was Oz” was… scary. Did they… did they really see them both as the same? Or at the very least interchangeable?

“I’m just going to become another one of his lives, aren’t I?” Oscar murmured, taking a grip on his cane. 

Ruby’s expression softened, “of course not, you’re your own person.” She reassured, resting her hands on his, a small breath of warmth in the numbing cold that was starting to overtake Oscar.

“Don’t lie to him, Ruby,” Qrow pushed past them, “we’re better than that.”

Oscar snatched the cane from Ruby’s hand, trying to follow the others while keeping a distance from everyone else. 

No. No. I’m not him. I’m not him. I’m not him.

There was no one to stop him thinking about it.

Oscar was glad he never voiced his darker thoughts when they left the influence of the Apathy. Standing in that house, in that courtyard, with the knowledge that he was slowly disappearing, that one day the thoughts that had some separation now would be one mind. How he would be gone but never rest. Oscar didn’t want to deal with that. He didn’t want anything to do with this. But he also didn’t want to fight it. Like fighting for his fruitless and ultimately doomed self-identity wasn’t worth it. Even if Oz wasn’t here, maybe he could just- disappear too.

But no. No that wasn’t right. “Like-minded soul” his ass, Oscar wasn’t much of a speaker but if anything he was ready to do something- anything that was worthwhile and just. Saving the world definitely wasn’t what he saw in his wheelhouse at first but now it was stuck on him and giving up wasn’t really part of his character.

He was still scared though.

Every once in awhile he’d pause and stare down at himself and notice things he hadn’t done before. Like lean on Ozma’s cane when he had it extended, or the way more concise words seemed to come to him more naturally. He’d stop and think: I didn’t use to do that- and a jolt of panic would fire through his nerves, making his hands shake and his fingers feel numb. When things felt familiar, when he recalled fuzzy information Oscar was certain he was never told, it made his stomach drop every single time.

“-we’re not the bad guys here.” Oscar implored the group, finding his tongue feeling like lead as the words left his mouth. Yet again, he’s speaking up when he wouldn’t normally.

“You sure about that?” Jaune asked coldly, his back turned.

Oscar’s mouth felt dry, “w-what?”

“He’s in your head, isn’t he?” Oscar’s skin felt numb as Jaune approached him, his stomach churning, “You knew about this didn’t you?”

“He didn’t know about anything-,” Oscar heard Wiess say as he backed away from Jaune, feeling sick as his blood turned cold.

“How are we sure it’s really him? What if we’ve been talking to that liar this whole time?”

Oscar’s ears rung, his skin prickled. Everything felt both so present and distant at the same time. It reminded Oscar of the memories that weren’t his own. Known. Felt. But far away.

“Jaune!” Ruby snapped.

Oscar flinched, holding his hands up, resisting the urge to shield his face. He didn’t look up at Jaune as he stormed upstairs. It was a numb feeling even as his heart hammered in his chest. It felt too distant. Like he was a stranger in his own body.

His own body. Was it even his anymore? If no one sees you- acknowledges your existence- are you even really there? And if this wasn’t even his own body- if everyone had already decided that Oscar Pine didn’t exist then… did he?

The room slowly cleared of people, leaving Oscar standing in the hall, feeling out of place, invisible, empty, gone-

How far gone was he? He could see the ghosts of memories, the familiarity of situations and the whispy faces of people who he’d never met appeared in his dreams. At what point does this change exist. Is it like how there is no set date in which you become an adult? The distance between east and west? A matter of perspective but an undeniable difference. Was he approaching that uncertain line? Was he in the middle? Was it already crossed?

Maybe Oscar Pine had died the moment he began hearing a voice in his head. Or maybe it was the day he woke up wondering who he had dreamed of that was so familiar but still so new? Or perhaps it was right now, the moment he was alone after someone had finally asked him what he had been fearing the entire time.

How are we sure it’s really him?

Don’t think about it.

It was only a drowned whisper in a sea of chaotic thoughts.

Oscar didn’t know where his feet were taking him. Was he controlling them? The feeling of his feet connecting with the solid ground felt muffled. The chilly air felt numb on his cheeks as he walked like a ghost down the streets of Argus. People passed him but didn’t see him. Just another person in the crowd. 

Oscar found himself on the outskirts of the city again, numbly looking out at the entrance where very few people strayed. Was he running? Where was he going? Was there really anywhere to flee to? Even if Oscar left the confines of Argus, he would still wake at night with a name on the tip of his tongue that came from nowhere and would swear he saw ghosts in the street with faces that reminded him of someone from somewhere maybe hundreds of years ago. The breath of a name and a feeling in his chest. 

No, there was nowhere to run. Nowhere at all. Even diving into the sea and waiting for the waves to claim him would just plunge him into the web of minds that he was fated to join anyway.

It would just be a bother.

It wouldn’t fix anything.

It would just drag another poor person into a hopeless war and into the nightmare that was the curse.

“Are you… lost?”

Oscar blinked his thoughts away. He had stood by the wall’s entrance wracking his brain for probably a couple breaths too long. One of the guards by the gate had come over, a concerned look on their face.

Oscar shook his head quickly, “uh, not really, just lost in thought more like.”

The guard’s expression softened slightly at that, “Well, you should start heading home, it’s going to start getting dark soon and it’s supposed to be pretty cold tonight.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Oscar replied, trying to sound less dazed then he felt.

As he turned around to head back, Oscar held onto that thought. He would just drag someone else into this if he gave up. Oscar hated that idea. 

It felt selfish. It felt wrong to bring another poor unfortunate soul along for the ride. To make them cut away from their life that they’re setting up and travel far to keep the world alive for another century. No, Oscar couldn’t do that. He was stuck in this road and there was no way to escape it.

If you can’t go under it, go around it, or go over it- you have to go through it.

Oscar glanced down at his tattered clothes. Light and soft for working hard. Not for fighting. 

“If I can’t escape it, I just… have to do my best,” Oscar murmured to himself, fishing out the “emergency lien” Qrow had given him. It wasn’t actually an emergency, but sometimes if you look the part, you can act the part.

And this was a part he couldn’t fail at.


	2. Chapter 2

Every time General Ironwood mentioned Oz, Oscar fought not to flinch. He wasn’t sure if he felt some degree of offense at what General Ironwood said about them- him- or if it was just the nerves of the inevitability of having to speak up and tell him.

“-What is it?”

Oscar felt goosebumps climb up his spine as General Ironwood turned to him. Oscar… didn’t like lying. He was bad at it too. So when General Ironwood mentioned that Ozpin wasn’t around-

“Actually, Oz isn’t completely gone,” Oscar stepped out, trying to stay calm, stay level headed. He still felt cold thinking about how Lionheart reacted to finding out who he was and it make Oscar’s stomach churn to think about. But- he couldn’t just lie. Especially to General Ironwood who’s ambitious plans could destroy everything if he didn’t know the truth.

Qrow spoke up, “Oscar here… is the next Ozpin.”

Oscar looked up at General Ironwood, trying to gauge his reaction. But the look of relief and joy that came on the General’s face only made Oscar feel guilty.

He’s reaching for an old friend someone who’s not me-

“Oz!” General Ironwood moves forward quickly, kneeling down to get on his level, “I’m so glad you’re here I didn’t think-“

“Not quite,” Oscar quickly cut him off, the guilt that he was about to crush the relief on the General’s face was bad enough, better to do it now before he got ahead of himself. “He’s kinda, gone? At the moment.”

Ironwood’s face dropped, joy and relief quickly changed into concern, “that’s not normal. How did he-“

“We don’t know.” Ruby cut off the General, “we were… in a train crash and suddenly, Oz wasn’t there anymore.”

Oscar looked from Ruby back to Ironwood, seeing the concern melt into worry. “That’s the worst news yet.”

That hit Oscar right in the gut. It made him feel sick. Lying. Lying again. No, he wanted to be different than Oz but at the same time- Oscar couldn’t forget the way that the group had given him the cold shoulder after the ordeal with Jinn, how Jaune got upset, and Qrow- no. No. Oscar tried his best to quell the worry. He couldn’t let this affect him. 

Ironwood had looked so happy to see that Oz had returned, would that be changed if he knew the truth, how would he react? Would it ruin him? But- he needed to know. His plan hinges on the idea that Salem can be killed. But she can’t. 

Oscar tried to act as normal as possible. The lie felt dirty but- Ruby probably just didn’t want Ironwood to lash out. It wasn’t a safe time yet. But- 

He was scared. Lying got them into this mess. Lying made them break apart. Lying made everyone mad at him. Lying made them forget he existed.

But do I really exist anyway?

Oscar tried to approach Ruby about it later, she was getting ready to leave- like all the others. Oscar felt hallow thinking about it. The whole group but him was leaving for a mission that he wasn’t allowed to go on. Ironwood had put him on a strict “no leaving the academy” rule. For his safety. Of course. So he was staying and watching everyone get ready.

Ruby handed the relic to Oscar with a smile. “I think it’s safer with you,” she finished.

Oscar glanced down at the lamp with a frown before glancing back at Ruby. 

“Aren’t we… doing just what Ozpin did to us?” Oscar asked, gripping the lamp in his hands.

Ruby faltered and froze for a second before shaking her head. “We don’t know if Ironwood can be trusted yet. Not with what’s going on in Mantle and not after what happened with Lionheart.”

Oscar’s shoulders sunk. But he nodded.

“It won’t be like this forever,” Ruby promised.

Oscar tossed and turned inside the room he shared with Jaune, Nora and Ren. It was quiet without them. Sure, Nora especially, but still.

Oscar tried to keep himself busy. He hung in the library, he played games on the scroll Ironwood had given him, he even tried training by himself to pass the time. For one very long day, Oscar tried to pass the time by himself.

When the others returned, they seemed… focused and driven. Different.

Oscar felt like he was sinking behind as they took off in a sprint. They were Huntsmen now. Missions, training, meetings…

Oscar felt like a ghost following them around.

It wasn’t like they weren’t cordial. They smiled and teased and joked with him- but ultimately Oscar would turn around and they would be gone again.

Off saving the world without me, Oscar thought numbly.

Why did he care? Why did he feel like it was a slight against himself whenever he would hear that they had left.

It’s supposed to be my job, Oscar found himself thinking. As soon as it ran through his head, Oscar felt sick. 

No. No it’s not. That’s not how it is. 

Oscar paced around the empty room, the chill of thoughts running down his spine. It was Ozma’s job.

But aren’t you Ozma now?

Oscar shook his head against the thought. No. No. He was different and Oscar refused to be like him. Oscar didn’t want to lie and sacrifice. To isolate himself away from the world with his secrets, to fight a battle with half-aware allies who trusted him but he did not trust back.

“Oscar?”

The boy jumped. He was so lost in thought that he did not hear the door open.

James Ironwood stood at the door, leaning inside. “Are you busy?”

Oscar quickly shook his head. “No, just… lost in thought.”

Ironwood raised an eyebrow, “Not in contact with Oz I presume?”

“No, just me,” Oscar chuckled dryly. 

“Sit, I want to talk with you,” Ironwood said, pulling one of the desk chairs of the room out and sitting on it. Oscar sat down on the closest bunk, clasping his hands in his lap.

“I wanted to know about… you,” Ironwood said simply.

Oscar frowned, “…me?”

“Yes,” Ironwood said, leaning forward, “I didn’t know Ozpin before and I feel a bit… disappointed in myself for never trying to learn about him as a person. I hope it isn’t selfish to want to rectify that with you. So I want to know. Where are you from? What do you like to do? What do you want to do, or did you want to do before all of this?”

Oscar paused. No one had really asked him about himself. Or what he wanted. They had all just followed what Oz had said and assumed that Oscar had wanted the same.

“I’m from Anima. Just a handful of miles outside of Mistral,” Oscar started, “I used to be a farm hand for my aunt.”

“I assume that’s were the ‘farm boy’ nickname the others came from,” Ironwood chuckled.

Oscar smiled, “heh, yeah. I uh… I enjoyed my work? I liked reading when I had free time. I also used to take pictures with my aunt’s old Polaroid camera.” Oscar squinted, thinking. 

“And I… I wanted to do something more but I wasn’t actually sure what. I… I did think about being a huntsman. I always wanted to help people… but, I don’t think I was ever going to leave anyway,” Oscar’s face twisted into a wry smile, “I wouldn’t be surprised if my Aunt thought I was at Sanctum right now, though.”

“Do you… still want to be a Huntsman?” Ironwood asked.

Oscar sighed, “I don’t really have a choice now, do I?”

**Author's Note:**

> There is a continuation of this coming and in the works.


End file.
